Fatherhood: Motivation, Discipline and Consistency

Father's Day is approaching. A time to celebrate the huge contribution made to family life by our nation's dads.  This day is a special moment of the year to say thanks for all the sacrifices made, for the hard work, for the long hours of parenthood that dads put in. What really needs to be celebrated is what world renowned author and speaker, John Maxwell states is, The Law of Consistency.  

In John Maxwell’s 15 Laws of Invaluable Growth he stresses the idea of in order to make significant change, to have an incredible impact, and to grow, consistency has to be one of the main ingredients. He concluded that “Motivation gets you going, but discipline keeps you growing.”

To become the dad we want to be we must look at three critical elements and debunk a few myths of how dads are portrayed. Let’s begin with three questions we need to ask ourselves.    

How will I remain Motivated?

When I think of motivation I can’t help but picture Zig Ziglar.  Zig’s leadership lesson were unprecedented and each of his lessons could be tied to being a better father.  One of his most famous sayings was, “People say motivation doesn’t last, well neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily”.  Think about it to be good at something, you have to be motivated.  Fatherhood is no different.  

How will I remain Disciplined?

As Arthur Gordon said, "Nothing is easier than saying words. Nothing is harder than living them, day after day. What you promise today must be renewed and decided tomorrow and each day that stretches out before you."  Discipline is a matter of taking total responsibility for your future.  Discipline is often misinterpreted.  Many people link discipline to being in trouble.  But if you look deeper, a discipline is what you learn.  Be strong enough to discipline yourself, so others will not have to.  

How will I become Consistent?

If you want to continue to improve, if you want to continue to grow you must be consistent.  Everyday, you need to do something to improve as a father.  There is an old saying that you are either getting better, or you are getting worse, you never stay the same.   What we practice consistently is the skill level we develop.  Becoming a great dad, is a skill we should try everyday to obtain mastery level.  

Secondly, we need to acknowledge two major differences portrayed in fatherhood,  the Entertainment World vs. the Real World.

Many dads are often portrayed as incompetent and other not so glamorous adjectives on television shows.The only consistency that is often seen is their inability to do things correctly, their inability hold a job, or to be absent all together.  We need to make sure this is not the dad our kids interact with.  While it may seem harmless to get a few cheap laughs at dads' expense, these characters, and their hilarious incompetence, form the backdrop for our society's water cooler and social media discussions about the roles fathers play in families.   Some of these portrayals may even reflect and encourage a damaging attitude towards men and their ability to be a great father. Through motivation, discipline, and consistency we can enlighten people to the fact, that this is not the dads we want to be.  

Thirdly,  We need to make sure fatherhood is about spending quantity time.  Maxwell, in referring to his Law of Consistency, is quick to point out that far too often we become inconsistent by using the term, “someday”.  We will go there “someday”; we can go to the park, “someday” etc.  What is evident is that “someday” doesn’t work.  That being a “someday” dad doesn’t cut it.  Everyday is what works.  Someday does not.  This does not mean that you have to be with your children 24,  7, 365, however it does mean you have to be about your role as a dad, and improving this highly regarded position 24, 7, 365.   You have to be consistent to be a great dad.  You have to spend quantity time to grow.   As Real World dads, we must seek quantity time.

Lastly, as Real World dads, we must spend quality time. Giving quality time forces us to make deliberate choices to spend time together in everyday life: whether eating meals, walking around the block, going to the store, or cleaning the house.  Because of consistency, these everyday settings naturally give way to remarkable moments.  Through consistently spending quality time together unforgettable moments occur.  We often have the best intentions of spending plenty of time with our families.   But the reality is, we can't plan the treasured moments any more than we can plan the perfect Christmas morning snowfall.  These moments happen through consistency.  

So how do you plan to grow? How do you plan to be more consistent as a father?

Monthly Quote:

“Nobody ever becomes an expert parent. But I think good parenting is about consistency. It's about being there at big moments, but it's also just the consistency of decision making. And it's routine.” - Sebastian Coe

Monthly Challenge:

Answer the three questions posed above and develop your goals to becoming a better dad..  How will you remain motivated? How will you remain disciplined? How will you become consistent?

Spring: New opportunities for you and your children

With the recent crowning of Duke University as Men’s Basketball National Champions, the Final Four and basketball season has come to an official end. This could mean only one thing – spring. It is now time for all fathers and families to renew their family bond. It’s time to check the air in your kids’ bicycle tires, dust off the baseball gloves, and restock the sidewalk chalk. Spring is here. It is time for families to be actively engaged in nuances of spring cleaning and enjoy the rebirth of our surroundings.

No matter what situation you’re in as a father, whether life seems pretty good right now or you’re really struggling, I hope you’ll apply this idea of renewal to your role. Spring is a renaissance. A rebirth of everything around us, and hopefully within us as well.

Sometimes I find myself falling asleep on the couch after doing the nightly chores with the kids and around the house, and then wake up to the television still being on. Recently as I awoke one night, I began watching a movie,”Renaissance Man” starring Danny Devito. Although I have seen this movie many times, it was hitting at a special nerve. Maybe it was the timing, maybe it was the message.

Bill Rago was a divorced advertising executive down on his luck. When he loses his job, the unemployment agency finds him a temporary job; teaching a class at a nearby U.S. Army training base. Initially unenthusiastic and unable to connect with his pupils, he is on the verge of giving up. However, in a desperate attempt to spark their interest, Rago quotes from his favorite play, Hamlet. Eventually through his teaches, his understudies end up excelling all while he has rebuilt himself, and his own relationship with his daughter. While helping his daughter to reach her dreams, by supporting something he had initially neglected. DeVito’s character was a true Renaissance Man, because not only did he change others, he changed himself and families.

As of right now in our area, flowers are coming up, trees are blooming. There is fresh grass growing and being cut for the first few times. Everything seems new. The warmer weather and the longer days, means more opportunities to be with you children doing things they enjoy. So, you say you are too tired and think you still need to rest, do it while lying in the driveway and allowing your children to trace around your body on the concrete with their sidewalk chalk.

Spring brings so many renewals of opportunities to be with our kids. Whether it be just sitting and observing them and noticing their mannerisms, their choices, what they do and how they do it. Your bond with your kids may be on the sports field, helping to coach a little league baseball team, while yet other fathers may bond through early morning breakfasts, gardening, or hiking the trails. The only catch is you have to be present for this Renaissance. We can all find and travel different paths to having successful relationships with our children, the key is you influence and build those positive relationships by being present.

Monthly Quote:

“Youth is the spirit of adventure and awakening. It is a time of physical emerging when the body attains the vigor and good health that may ignore the caution of temperance. Youth is a period of timelessness when the horizons of age seem too distant to be noticed.” — Ezra Taft Benson

Monthly Challenge:

Sit down and discuss what spring has to offer your family. Make a to do list of the top things that your family could do together and post this list in view of all family members. Be sure to come up with a unique way to celebrate your accomplishments. Maybe even make time to watch “Renaissance Man.”

No Opting-Out of Fatherhood

As an educator, a lot has been made of the next generation assessments that our students are currently in the midst of taking.  You will find supporters of these new tests, you will find opponents.  You will have some parents perfectly fine with their children being tested, while others are preferring to “opt-out.”  No matter your stance, there is one thing we cannot do in our role as a father, “OPT-OUT.”  Fatherhood is based on daily preparation and taking a daily test.  The learning curve is continuous.  The rigor and the depth of knowledge needed increases every day as a father and family leader.  

According to fatherhood.gov, there are roughly 70 million fathers across the nation, with about 25 million raising children below the age of 18.  With roughly 35% of fathers having school age children, this speaks to the heart of fathers being present.  If you ever wondered what our society would become if we decided to “OPT-OUT,”  just begin to take a look around.  In alarming numbers, 43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census].  In these cases, fathers have “OPTED-OUT.”  If that does not grab your attention let me step up the rigor by adding, fatherless boys and girls are: twice as likely to drop out of high school; twice as likely to end up in jail; four times more likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems. [US D.H.H.S. news release]  Fathers clearly should no longer have the option to  “OPT-OUT.”

When my wife and I first became parents, we found ourselves constantly receiving advice from those that had been there.  Advice from potty training to planning for future graduations - just within that span of time, there are hundreds of conflicting opinions about every parenting-related topic.  Some think parents push too hard, some think parents don’t push enough.  Some parents live vicariously through their kids, while others let them make their own decisions.  There are many ways, but the great fathers, the great families do not have an, “Opt-Out” clause.  The great parents are in for a lifetime.

By not “Opting Out” we are preparing our children for next generation success.  These teachings are rigorous, these teaching must provide readiness for college and careers.  By “Opting In” we are teaching lessons in life with the most value.  During this time we are responsible for teaching core values such as values of being a good person, friend, citizen, and employee.  When “Opting Out” is chosen, it becomes evident that many children miss out on some of these important lessons.  Since they did not learn the lessons of life, too often these people either grow up to be miserable, in unhappy relationships, unable to hold jobs, with a sense of entitlement, or a combination of all of these.

With the recent poor weather and kids at home due to not having school, I hope that fathers were making time to continue to educate with rigor and to teach through implementing a depth of knowledge that only a father can provide.  Regardless of the time frame in which this teaching takes place, these lessons cannot be taught by others.  

It is my hope that all parents will avoid “Opting Out” and share lessons in life with their children.  There are numerous reasons to “Opt In,” among the most important are so that our children will have the best chance for happy, productive, and satisfying lives.   After all, our children will be entering a world in which they need next generation skills to survive and advance.  We cannot teach these skills through “Opting Out.”  

Monthly Quote:

Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration.  Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person.  - Naveen Jain, business executive and entrepreneur

Monthly Challenge:

“Opt in” and build your list of qualities you want your children to take with them as they prepare for their assessments in life.  

The Power of “Dadvertising”

If you were anything like one of the the 111.5 million people watching the Super Bowl matchup between the Seahawks and Broncos, you may have been in shock and even critical of Seattle’s play call thus resulting in an interception.  On another note, you probably looked forward to the commercials as much as the game.  If you were not aware, the NFL had a pretty tough year as far as negative publicity goes.  Bottom line, there was more than enough.  In fact, there were so many incidents, that had the players, coaches, as well as owners having their character and role model status questioned, that a large majority of the commercials were aimed directly at fathers and families.  This years Super Bowl commercials now referred to as “dadvertising”, were developed to address the growing concern in America; the lack of real men being real fathers.  Many fathers, myself included, should not be ashamed to admit that several of this year's Super Bowl ads had us reaching for the box of Kleenex.

Often in the past, the commercials have poked fun at dad, or even have gone as far as to glorify certain elements, that are not fit for a family event.  But not this year.  This year's ads celebrated fatherhood and acknowledged that many children have fond memories of their dads.  It's about time.  Actually, I am a bit surprised it took the marketers this long to realize what we should always want to celebrate.  

With this in mind, here are five of my favorites along with a simple summary.  These are the ones that made me stop and think about my role as a father and husband.  These are the ones that made me squeeze a little tighter and hold those hugs a little longer on my daughters and wife.

1.   Presented by The Bold New Camry, Toyota’s “Be a Dad”: Using  former NFL players share personal accounts many with their kids by their side discussing how you become a good father, and wondering if it is something you learn from your parents, or a choice you make on your own?  Final message: You can't choose the dad you have, however,  you can choose the dad you'll be.

2.     A Nissan commercial titled, “With Dad”, set to the epic Harry Chapin hit “Cats in the Cradle” follows the struggles of a hardworking and close-knit family striving for togetherness across the years as dad is off racing cars and ends with an emotional hug in their brand new Nissan.  Even now I get chills while writing about this ad.

3.      Dove Men+Care: Real Strength asked the question, “What makes a man stronger? Showing he cares.” Even when I play this now, I can hear my own children’s voice in each call of, “Daddy”.  In fact it woke my wife up when it recently came on TV, thinking one of our girls was calling for me.

4.     The Proctor & Gamble commercial touched my emotions with a commercial titled, “Like A Girl.”  Being a father of two daughters, it was a stark reminder that girls sometimes are made fun of, ridiculed, or seen as inferior in athletics.  Keeping in mind of the confidence struggles that many girls face during their stages of change, my hope is many of you that felt a little lump in your throat, and realize the impact of our words and actions.

5.      McDonald’s: Pay With Lovin’ is very special to me, because if you can recall from a previous article, we take our girls to McDonald's after church on Sunday’s.  McDonald’s announced it will be randomly accepting a new form of payment: lovin'. Methods of payment included calling Mom to tell them you love her, telling your son what you love about him, and ending with what I hope or bill comes to today, giving one big family hug!

There were many others that were tremendously impactful as well.  How rewarding it was on football's biggest night, that many of the marketers decided to stop showing fathers who can't change diapers or pay attention to their kids because they are too busy with work or play.  Oh, and by the way…...the game was pretty good as well!

Monthly quote: “What makes a man stronger? Showing he cares.” - Dove Men+Care: Real Strength Super Bowl commercial, 2015

Monthly challenge:  You don’t have to go out and buy a new Toyota or Nissan.  You don’t even have to change your selection of body soap.  Just continue to feel the spirit of the “dadvertising” and know that you are not alone on your journey of being a great dad!